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List of Textverse headcanons
* The team was first formed during what is now called the "Day of Eclipsa"–that is, that one time when Star's evil grandma Eclipsa gathered a bunch of villains to resume her conquest of the multiverse. She currently resides in the Soup Dimension with every other dead Star Vs. character.
* Ben, Marinette, Abby, and Star all live in the same dimension, as do Danny and Penn. Steven and Sunset each live in separate dimensions from everyone else.
* The chat room was formed about three days after the "Day of Eclipsa".
* Regarding what is and isn't canon in this 'verse, here's a handy list:
** Star Vs.: Disregards everything past "The Battle for Mewni"
** Penn Zero: Disregards "Mr. Rippen" and the series finale
** Danny Phantom: Disregards "Phantom Planet" (Danny and Sam are still dating though)
** Equestria Girls: Disregards everything past "Mirror Magic"
** Ben 10: Disregards everything past Alien Force season 2, though elements from la
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Literature
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 6.5
(Due to the events of last chapter, none of our regular reviewers are here today. Therefore, Story's sister, TheTrashyKat–Kat for short–volunteered to do these chapters and regretted it. Here is her commentary unedited. Be warned, there is some strong language.)
(A gray cat with a banana peel on her head walks into the view of the camera.)
Kat: Hey. So my sister's off being possessed by a demon, I guess, so I’m here now and I don’t want to be. This fucking sucks but here we go. (presses the button)
00000
Author's Note: Hello, friends! The writing class is going quite well; and I stayed after this time to talk to the teacher about my little story, which he has been so kind about helping me with. He has had lot's of very helpful suggestions; and I truly think that I have been guided to this class by a purpose greater than my own =)(From what i’ve heard, i dont think the writing classes are helping)
Another thing that I have gotten man
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Literature
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 6
Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 5 (or, we have bigger problems than Voldemort at the moment)
When we last saw the members of the MST crew, two of them had fallen to the demonic entity known as Grace Ann. Ben, in order to buy his companions time, had taken on this demon by himself, allowing Story and Pinkie to escape and continue the MST of Grace Ann's story by themselves.
We now return to our regularily scheduled MST.
(Story and Pinkie are in an empty room lit by a single bulb on the ceiling. Pinkie has just bolted the door.)
Story: We have to go back for Ben!
Pinkie: Story, he stayed behind willingly in order to save us. Don't make his sacrifice meaningless. (beat) Huh, I'm the reasonable one here. That's weird.
Story: (sighs) Fine. So do you have any idea how to stop Grace Ann?
Pinkie: Well, she's a demon, right?
Story: Well, maybe not a demon, per se, but I'm pretty sure she was possessing Dib and Sash back there.
Pinkie: Eh, that works
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Literature
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 5
Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 4 (or, Oh No! The Plot!)
(We see Story and Sashi competeing in a fierce dance-off in front of a TV screen, each one holding a Wii mote. Ben and Pinkie are watching from a couch nearby, the latter munching on some popcorn. Finally, the two dancers stop, start panting, and watch the screen.)
Story: YESSSSS! (Pumps a fist in the air)
Sashi: (growls) Oh COME ON! That's supposed to be an easy one!
Story: (smug grin) Well, it just so happens that the Just Dance team made the "Shape of You" routine specifically for those with my dance skills!
Sashi: So, no dance skills at all?
Story: Exactly! (beat) Wait, WHAT?!
Pinkie: (stands up) Oh look! It's time to resume our MST!
Story: (glaring at Sashi) We will continue this argument later.
Ben: Hang on a sec...has anyone seen Dib?
Sashi: (shrug) Not for a few hours.
Dib: (offscreen) Here I am!
(Everyone turns in the direction of
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Literature
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 4
Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 3 (or, Jesus Christ Easter Eggs?!)
(We see Pinkie on the karaoke machine mentioned last chapter, singing her heart out. Ben and Story are sitting to the side, watching.)
Pinkie: Throw my hands up 'cause I've had enough! It's going through my head, like it always does! Come and show me what you're made of~All that we sacrifice for love! Blowing up when push comes to shove! Gotta have it out like fight club~Fight club~Gotta have it out like fight club~Fight club~Let's put it all behind us and make love~Fight club!
Ben: (applauding) Nice.
Story: (also applauding) Pinkie, you are an awesome singer.
Pinkie: Awwww, thanks!
Dib: (offscreen) LET ME GO!
(Sashi walks onscreen, carrying a struggling Dib under her arm)
Sashi: Caught him trying to go out the window.
Story: (sighs) Looks like break time is over. Back to the crap piles!
(Pinkie and Ben groan in response)
<b>
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Literature
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 3
Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 2 (or, Hermione's gone OOC! Send help!)
Ben: Okay, let me get this straight...you're a liscensed exorcist?
Pinkie: (smiles) Yep! Mom and Dad wanted me to take part in a class at our local church, and exorcism sounded the most interesting one!
Dib: (eyebrow raised) So how do I sign up for this?
Pinkie: It's easy-peasy! Just come by my place next Sunday and I'll show you!
Story: (walks in with Sashi) Alright, kiddos, time to get on with the next two chapters of proudhousewife's one and only masterpiece!
(everyone groans)
Dib: Do we have to?
Sashi: Yep. (presses the button)
00000
Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have struggled a lot about whether or not to keep going with this story; but, with a lot of praying, my husband and I have decided it is the right thing to do(Story: HAHAHA no. It's quite the opposite, in fact.). We want our little ones to have good, C
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Literature
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 2
Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 1 (or, how to not rewrite Harry Potter)
Story: And, we're back with episode 2!
Dib: Otherwise known as "tired retread of the same old things".
Story: Oh, hush you. (makes a shooing motion)
Ben: He does have a point, Story. We've already done a "Harry Potter the good little Christian" story; why aren't we trying something new?
Story: Because this was my intention from the start, and I don't want to get to a webcomic that I found until we've gone through at least two fanfics.
Sashi: (shrug) Fair enough.
Pinkie: Let's get started! (pushes the button)
00000
Author's Note: Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann(Everyone: HI, GRACE ANN!). I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want t
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Literature
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 1
Harry Potter turns to the Lord (Or, we meet the reverend Mart E. Stu)
Story: Hey, guys! Story here, and today I have something different for you all. After reading countless hilarious bad fanfic reviews on the internet (special mention goes to erikatheraindeer on this site and E350 on fanfiction.net!), I decided "Hey, why can't I do that?" So I've rounded up a group of cartoon characters to help me out! Starting from my right, we have Ben Tennyson, of his eponymous show...
Ben: (waves) 'Sup?
Story: Human Pinkie Pie, of My Little Pony: Equestria Girls...
Pinkie: (giggles) Hee hee, hi there!
Story: Sashi Kobayashi, of Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero...
Sashi: (waves) Hey.
Story: And finally, Dib Membrane, of Invader Zim!
Dib: (deadpan) She's holding us here against our will.
Story: No, I'm only holding you here against your will, because you ran screaming in the other direction when I tried to pitch this to
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Next Gen #7: Aria Salazar by Storygirl000 Next Gen #7: Aria Salazar :iconstorygirl000:Storygirl000 1 0 Next Gen #6: Jen Tennyson by Storygirl000 Next Gen #6: Jen Tennyson :iconstorygirl000:Storygirl000 1 0 Sealed Evil in a Jar by Storygirl000 Sealed Evil in a Jar :iconstorygirl000:Storygirl000 1 0 Next Gen #5 by Storygirl000 Next Gen #5 :iconstorygirl000:Storygirl000 0 0 Next Gen #4 by Storygirl000 Next Gen #4 :iconstorygirl000:Storygirl000 0 0 Next Gen #3: Carrie Fenton by Storygirl000 Next Gen #3: Carrie Fenton :iconstorygirl000:Storygirl000 0 0 Next Gen #2: Luna Butterfly by Storygirl000 Next Gen #2: Luna Butterfly :iconstorygirl000:Storygirl000 0 0 Next Gen #1 by Storygirl000 Next Gen #1 :iconstorygirl000:Storygirl000 1 1

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FAREEHATO! by svengalia FAREEHATO! :iconsvengalia:svengalia 77 11 Not your everyday Valentine by bleedman Not your everyday Valentine :iconbleedman:bleedman 7,536 883 Don't Hug Me I'm Scared by Kapaychan Don't Hug Me I'm Scared :iconkapaychan:Kapaychan 108 25 7 Minutes in Heaven by Chillguydraws 7 Minutes in Heaven :iconchillguydraws:Chillguydraws 192 22 Scars by HezuNeutral Scars :iconhezuneutral:HezuNeutral 304 21 Corey Riffin-Networked by MESS-Anime-Artist Corey Riffin-Networked :iconmess-anime-artist:MESS-Anime-Artist 281 55 Laney and Corey(Networked)-Grojband mini comic by MESS-Anime-Artist Laney and Corey(Networked)-Grojband mini comic :iconmess-anime-artist:MESS-Anime-Artist 509 166 Celebration by JorgeMoctezuma Celebration :iconjorgemoctezuma:JorgeMoctezuma 59 4 Rock n' Roll by ASWdubber Rock n' Roll :iconaswdubber:ASWdubber 21 1 Miraculous - Chat Blanc by Umi-Mizuno Miraculous - Chat Blanc :iconumi-mizuno:Umi-Mizuno 550 68 Avengers of the Multiverse by laeity Avengers of the Multiverse :iconlaeity:laeity 259 77 COLLAB: Escape From Shipping Rehab by MustLoveFrogs COLLAB: Escape From Shipping Rehab :iconmustlovefrogs:MustLoveFrogs 82 84 What we did last night by Crydius What we did last night :iconcrydius:Crydius 380 292 Pikachu Plays Tracer by CKibe Pikachu Plays Tracer :iconckibe:CKibe 5,172 241 Insectiva and Aracnidia by ssstawa Insectiva and Aracnidia :iconssstawa:ssstawa 72 8 Twisted Heroes: Ben 10 by DerangedBlackKitten Twisted Heroes: Ben 10 :iconderangedblackkitten:DerangedBlackKitten 1,126 131

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* The team was first formed during what is now called the "Day of Eclipsa"–that is, that one time when Star's evil grandma Eclipsa gathered a bunch of villains to resume her conquest of the multiverse. She currently resides in the Soup Dimension with every other dead Star Vs. character.
* Ben, Marinette, Abby, and Star all live in the same dimension, as do Danny and Penn. Steven and Sunset each live in separate dimensions from everyone else.
* The chat room was formed about three days after the "Day of Eclipsa".
* Regarding what is and isn't canon in this 'verse, here's a handy list:
** Star Vs.: Disregards everything past "The Battle for Mewni"
** Penn Zero: Disregards "Mr. Rippen" and the series finale
** Danny Phantom: Disregards "Phantom Planet" (Danny and Sam are still dating though)
** Equestria Girls: Disregards everything past "Mirror Magic"
** Ben 10: Disregards everything past Alien Force season 2, though elements from later series might be brought in (Rook, for example)
** Grossology: Undetermined for the moment, though "King of Rottingham Forest" has happened
** Miraculous Ladybug and Steven Universe: With exceptions, events will progress as the series do
* Penn and Danny co-lead the team; the former due to his leadership experience, the latter due to his sanity compared to the others.
* Sunset is the team's unofficial therapist, due to her mind-reading abilities and ability to empathize with people. Jazz Fenton will also take on this duty when needed.
* Marinette is (rightfully) paranoid whenever her teammates visit Paris, seeing that Hawk Moth seems to like akumatizing teenagers. As of this writing, only two non-Parisian natives with any relation to the team (Jackie Lynn Thomas and Kevin Levin) have been akumatized, though time will tell if it happens to anyone else.
* Everyone tries to act like an older sibling to Steven. He doesn't mind it.
* Sunset is considering forming a backup team of reformed villains in case something bad happens to the main team. Ben has so far volunteered Kevin, to the latter's annoyance.

More to be added as I come up with them!
(Due to the events of last chapter, none of our regular reviewers are here today. Therefore, Story's sister, TheTrashyKat–Kat for short–volunteered to do these chapters and regretted it. Here is her commentary unedited. Be warned, there is some strong language.)

(A gray cat with a banana peel on her head walks into the view of the camera.)

Kat: Hey. So my sister's off being possessed by a demon, I guess, so I’m here now and I don’t want to be. This fucking sucks but here we go. (presses the button)

00000

Author's Note: Hello, friends! The writing class is going quite well; and I stayed after this time to talk to the teacher about my little story, which he has been so kind about helping me with. He has had lot's of very helpful suggestions; and I truly think that I have been guided to this class by a purpose greater than my own =)(From what i’ve heard, i dont think the writing classes are helping)

Another thing that I have gotten many messages about-the Slytherins. People are saying that, somehow, this means I hate Catholics. Friends-I do not hate Catholics at all! All I want is for Catholics and everybody else to go to heaven and be happy with God! Do you want to know who truly hates Catholics? The so-called Catholic Church. Ironic, hmm? But think about it-why else would they lie to Catholics about salvation? And did you know their leader is a Socialist? It seems like a certain someone doesn't know much about the Bible or the Constitution! And what about there only being one God, and no others? So, if any Catholics are reading this….. I am asking you this in love….. consider which is more important: your so-called religion, or the Truth?(you sound like those people who stood in front of my school saying “the pope is the anti-christ”)

Harry, Hermione, Dean Thomas, and Ronald all walked solemnly back to the main campus. They could hardly believe what they had just read. Voldemort, on their campus? What would they do if they ran into him? They quickly went to their dorms and got to sleep.

The next morning, the four little ones sat together for breakfast. The spread today was truly delicious: fluffy scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, home fries, grits, waffles, apples, orange juice, and ice tea. Truly, the blessings today were abundant!

"I still can't believe Voldemort has been seen on our own campus," Harry whispered after swallowing a bite of bacon.

"Neither can I," Dean Thomas commented perceptively.(extra fancy words not needed)

"I'm scared," Hermione murmured, and fidgeted with her fork. "What if he tries to kill Harry?” (your not worried that he might kill everyone else as well?)

"It will be fine," Harry declared boldly, and then gave her hand a reassured squeeze, and then they both blushed.

"What are the four of you gossiping about?" a voice said. It was smug and it came from behind them.

Harry turned around and he saw Draco standing behind him. Draco's hands were folded and rested on his stomach. Behind him stood a two other young men, dressed the same as Draco-tan pants, brown sweater vests, and white button up shirts. (Draco is confirmed a christian minister dad)

"We were just discussing something we read in the newspaper," Harry said friendlily. "Would you like to join us?"

Draco chortled pompously (who the fuck “chortles pompously”), "I think not. You may be comfortable dining with women outside of your family, but I am not. I know that I am better than women. Why would I want to talk to one?” (wait what)

Harry gritted his teeth. He had had enough of this! So-called feminists these days call everything sexist. A man respecting his woman and providing for her and giving her the children and home that she truly desires is called woman-hating! Such silliness can make us forget what real sexism looks like. The truth is-women are just as smart as men; and God made us as their equals; but equal does not mean the same; and when we treat men and women as being the same and tell women to go to work all day and forget about her true calling as a wife and mother; then that is the real woman-hating! And then there are people like Draco, who think that God messed up and made women worse than men. And neither is okay. (thank you? i think?)

"That is a mean thing to say!”(no shit) Harry screamed bravely, and he banged his fists on the table so hard that the plates bounced.

Mr. Snape looked over in their direction and he saw the commotion that was going on at that moment. He was dressed very dapperly today in a freshly pressed dress shirt and practical pants that complimented his long, muscular legs perfectly(for a christian fanfic thing, thats pretty gay). Above the top button of his shirt a hint of the thick carpet underneath was visible. He carried with him a big, heavy, King James Version of the Bible as he sauntered across the cafeteria.

"What exactly is going on here?" he questioned, folding his arms over his chest.
"Nothing," Draco muttered in the embarrassed voice of one who knows he has done wrong, but Harry boldly and honestly retorted, "Draco was being a bully to the ladies!”(how old are they, 7?)

With a gasp, Greg covered his mouth with his delicate, long-fingered hands. "Detention, Draco! We as Christians must be respectful of women and treat them with the gentleness they deserve as our mothers and sisters and daughters."

Mr. Snape grabbed Draco's wrist and led him out of the cafeteria. Harry smiled holily at the sanctimonious fool. Draco shook his fist.

"I'll get you for this, Potter! Tonight, after dinner, in the courtyard-we will have a pray-off!” (WHAT THE FUCK IS A PRAY OFF)

Author's Note: Blessings!

00000

Author's Note: Hello, friends! I had this chapter all ready to go a week ago after class last Saturday; but then of course things got in the way like they always seem to. But now that things have (slightly!) settled down here at Fort Parsons; I thought I would finally post this. (I wish you didn’t, i hate this)

The campus was dark when Harry, Hermione, Dean Thomas, and Ronald walked out of their dormitories. It was completely silent, because all the other little ones were asleep (so they’re not 7, they’re 3, got it). The bright, shining stars twinkled approvingly at the righteous young Christian trio.

"I'm nervous," Ronald uttered shakily. "Isn't this against the rules?"

Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione exchanged a knowing look. It wasn't Ronald's fault. It was just how he had been raised. Slytherin Hats do not usually question authority. They think they just need to do what the head Slytherin Hats tell them to do. They never think that maybe the Lord's work is important.

"This is the Lord's work," Harry explained patiently. "This is more important."

"That's right," Dean Thomas said wisely, and not a single word was mispronounced. He had dressed quite respectably for the occasion. His face was scrubbed quite cleanly. Any mommy would be proud to have him for her son. (PPFFTFTT GOD THIS IS STUPID. HE A MOMMYS BOY)

"Oh," Ronald murmured wonderingly. He had never thought that anything could be more important than following rules. Not even the Lord's work. Ronald was starting to ask the big questions-questions which just might lead him to salvation. Just think what would have happened if Harry had not known to love the sin and not the sinner!

Just then, Draco stepped out from behind a tree. He was wearing yet another sweater vest; and he was proudly sporting a Ravenclaw Hat.

"Well, well, Potter," Draco drawled smugly. "Looks like you came to the pray-off after all."

"That's right," Harry answered courageously.

"Well then," Draco grinned self-righteously (stop with the huge un-needed words, christ). "Let's pray."

Harry and Draco got down on their knees and raised their hands to the sky.

"I'll go first, because God loves me best," Draco declared confidently (little shit). With that, he shouted, "Dear Lord, if you agree with me that women are stupid and Potter is wrong, please strike him down where he kneels."

Dean Thomas and Ronald gasped. Hermione began to cry. But Harry did not flinch. He knew that he was a man of the Lord.

Draco grinned viciously as he looked to the sky for a bolt of lightning; but none came. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. He began to cry. (i swear these 4 year olds imma strangle them)

Now, it was Harry's turn to pray.

He raised his hands far higher than Draco's had been; and he screamed, in a voice far louder than Draco's had been, "Dear Lord, if you agree with me that women are just as good as men but just different, please….." For a second he thought about asking for Draco to be struck down. But then he was overcome with mercy. "Please make him a Gryffindor Hat!"

In that moment, the hat on Draco's head changed into a red and yellow one with a lion on it; and the tears rolling down his face were not sad tears. They were happy tears. The crowd of onlookers burst into applause; but Harry did not notice all the cheering students and teachers. He was bathing in the love of the Lord. (so he’s a little shit too. great. wonderful. i fucking hate this)

Author's Note: Blessings!(bless my ass bitch)

00000

Kat: These were fucking awful. I hated them. Don't wanna do this again. I'm gone, fuck off.
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 6.5
In which my sister volunteers to do the next two chapters while shit goes down in the story.

Here's her Deviantart account: kittypride2003.deviantart.com/
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Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 5 (or, we have bigger problems than Voldemort at the moment)

When we last saw the members of the MST crew, two of them had fallen to the demonic entity known as Grace Ann. Ben, in order to buy his companions time, had taken on this demon by himself, allowing Story and Pinkie to escape and continue the MST of Grace Ann's story by themselves.

We now return to our regularily scheduled MST.

(Story and Pinkie are in an empty room lit by a single bulb on the ceiling. Pinkie has just bolted the door.)

Story: We have to go back for Ben!

Pinkie: Story, he stayed behind willingly in order to save us. Don't make his sacrifice meaningless. (beat) Huh, I'm the reasonable one here. That's weird.

Story: (sighs) Fine. So do you have any idea how to stop Grace Ann?

Pinkie: Well, she's a demon, right?

Story: Well, maybe not a demon, per se, but I'm pretty sure she was possessing Dib and Sash back there.

Pinkie: Eh, that works.

Story: So you do have a plan?

Pinkie: Yeah! But first, we should probably get to the next chapters of this fic.

Story: (sighs) Fine. (presses the button)

00000

Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize for how long it took to get this chapter out; but-I have good news! Starting tonight, I will be taking a beginning writer's course at the local community college!(Story: Oh thank God.) Through all the hate from Evolutionists, Feminists, and Romanists, there has been some legitimate criticism of my writing skills. My mother did her best; and she certainly did teach me a lot; but grammar was not her area of expertise. It's taken some convincing-the hubby wasn't sure I'd have time to get everything done if I start taking this class-but I've written up a schedule; and I think we can make it work =)

One week into the school year, Harry was slowly, gradually starting to get used to the everyday routines at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles.(Pinkie: Roll credits!) There was breakfast in the Great Hall every morning; and then there was a prayer session led by the Reverend (the Slytherins went off to have their own "prayer sessions" in their own way; and the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws prayed with the Gryffindors; but the Hufflepuffs complained about the Reverend quoting the Bible; and the Ravenclaws complained that the Reverend didn't seem to really hate sinners; he just hated sin(Story: And we all know that the complainer is wrong!)). After the prayer session; the little ones all went to their classes-there were regular math and English classes, of course-although they were of a higher caliber than one would find in a Public School(Pinkie: <cough>Bias<cough>)-and then there were Bible Studies and Christian History.

After that was lunch in the Great Hall. After lunch were more classes about American History; and Constitutional Law; and Missionary Training. After these classes was dinner in the Great Hall; after which the students had free time.

It was just such a dinner that Harry was eating now. He was sitting with his new friends: Hermione, Ronald, and Dean Thomas.(Story: (looks him up) Huh, he's a canon character. Go figure.)

"This food certainly is delicious!" Harry observed gratefully; and he was savoring a bite of perfectly roasted chicken.(Story: Most of the chicken on my school menu is weirdly purple.)

"It really is," Dean Thomas concurred intelligently. He was dressed quite respectably today; and he was wearing a button-up shirt and clean blue jeans; and his hair was neatly combed.

Hermione nodded in agreement; and the yellow bow she had tied her hair back with bounced up and down.

Ronald grinned widely but remained silent as he shoved another handful of deep fried brussel sprouts into his little mouth. Ronald ate breakfast and lunch with his family; but he was eating more and more dinners with these Gryffindor friends of his. It never ceased to amaze him just how nice they were to him, even though he wore a different hat. A little unconditional friendship can really go a long way in a person's heart!(Pinkie: And I definitely know a thing or two about unconditional friendship!)

It was then that a bunch of beautiful people with wings wearing glowing white robes swooped in through the Great Hall's huge windows. Yellow halos hovered over their heads; and they wore brown leather satchels around their shoulders. They gracefully reached into their satchels and gloriously flung envelopes down to the students below.(Story: And several students were concussed by flying packages.)

"The mail's here," Dean Thomas observed accurately; and he shielded his eyes with his hand as he gazed up in wonder.

Harry propped his chin up on his hand and dreamily watched these magnificent postmen distribute their wares. He did so love to look at angels!(Pinkie: And hey, sometimes he caught a glimpse up their robes!)

He was surprised when a letter fluttered down to him; and it landed lightly on the table in front of him. He had never gotten a letter before! He smiled innocently at the angel who had delivered it; and the angel waved back.

"Would you look at that," Dean Thomas uttered fluently. "You got a letter, Harry."(Story: No duh, Sherlock.)

With excited hands, Harry broke the seal and took out the parchment that was inside the envelope. He laid it out on the table and saw the familiar slanting tidy handwriting.

Dear Harry-

How are you enjoying your first week at Hogwarts? I hope you are enjoying it a lot! How about you come over for tea this evening after dinner; and you can tell me all about it.(Pinkie: I'll invite David and make it a party!)

-Hagrid

Harry smiled as he folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. Good old Hagrid!

"What does it say, Harry?" Hermione questioned shyly; and she played with one of her smooth, lovely curls.(Story: (doing a bad Hermione impersonation) It's supposed to be frizzy!)

"Hagrid wants me to come over for tea," Harry reported excitedly. "Would you all like to join me?"

"I'd love to," Hermione replied sweetly.

"That sounds like fun," Dean Thomas responded eloquently.

"Could I come?" Ronald asked tentatively after he had swallowed his brussel sprouts.

Harry, Hermione, and Dean Thomas exchanged a knowing look(Pinkie: We'll ditch him as soon as we're in the Forbidden Forest!); and then Harry answered kindly, "Of course you can."

Ronald smiled gratefully before going back to his brussel sprouts.

When dinner finished, Harry got to his feet; and then he declared boldly, "Let's go!"

Author's Note: Blessings!

00000

Pinkie: Ready to do the next chapter?

Story: (texting someone on her phone) Hang on a sec.

Pinkie: Who're you texting?

Story: My sister Kat. I'm hoping she'll do the next two chapters after this if neither of us are able to.

Pinkie: What's she like?

Story: Eh, she's nice if you get to know her. (checks phone) She said yes!

Pinkie: Great! Now for the next chapter! (presses the button)

00000

Author's Note: Hello, friends! Sorry this chapter took so long to post; but-the instructor of my new writing class was kind enough to proof-read it-I didn't take all of his suggestions(Story: Mostly the stuff about being less biased.), but I liked most of them-and I hope the wait was worth it! Oh, another thing-a few good-intentioned (but misguided!) readers have expressed "concern" about my asking my husband's permission to take a class. Friends: it is not long ago that I would have thought the same thing. Culture told me that wifely submission was demeaning; and I believed it! All I will say is this: read Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl.(Pinkie: I have no idea who that is, and I already hate her.) Life- (and marriage ;)) changer!

Hagrid lived in lovely little house on the edge of the Hogwarts campus. The little ones arrived right on time, and the delicious smell of tea and cookies was wafting outside. Smiling in anticipation, they knocked on the door.

Hagrid opened the door and beamed down at them. "Welcome, Harry! I'm so glad you could come—and you brought friends!"(Story: (doing a bad Hagrid impersonation) David's gonna love this!)

"Indeed I did," Harry said, and gestured to the upstanding young fellow to his left. "This is Dean Thomas, a Gryffindor Hat."

"Pleased to meet you," Dean Thomas said intelligently.

Hagrid smiled at the little one, impressed.

"This is Hermione, another Gryffindor Hat," Harry said, motioning toward the girl to his right.

Hermione smiled shyly and waved. Charmed, Hagrid waved back.

"And this is Ronald," Harry said.(Pinkie: He's just there.)

Ronald looked up sheepishly from where he stood behind the trio. He could sense that Hagrid was truly a man of the Lord, in a way that no one in his family—or perhaps the entire Slytherin Hat—was. To be in the presence of such piety was humbling for a little one such as this.

Hagrid noticed the green and black hat, but didn't comment. Instead, with true mercy and compassion, he opened the door wide to all of them. "Glad to meet all of you. Please, come in!"

The four little ones filed in.

The inside of Hagrid's house was tastefully decorated. The curtains were plaid, the walls were wood, and a bear rug covered the floor in front of the fireplace. Mounted above the mantelpiece, in a place of pride for all to see, was a moose's head.(Story: Because he's a MANLY MAN!) The oaken table in the center of the kitchen was set for five, and the kettle on the stove was just starting to sing.(Pinkie: What was it singing?)

"This is a nice place you have," Harry commented.

"It really is," Dean Thomas said intelligently.

Hagrid grinned with pride. "Thank you! I live by John 15:19, of course, but I do try to keep it tidy."

Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione nodded knowingly.

In a few minutes, they were all seated at the table while Hagrid passed out his famous chocolate-chip cookies.(Story: They've killed three health inspectors and a cop so far!) They munched on the delicious morsels as Hagrid poured the tea.

"How's school going?" Hagrid asked.

"Quite well," Harry replied.

Just then, the timer buzzed.

"More cookies!" the little ones cried in delight as Hagrid got up to get them.

While Hagrid was getting the cookies, Harry's eyes fell on a newspaper Hagrid had left open. The headline on the front page read, "VOLDEMORT SPOTTED AT HOGWARTS?"(Pinkie: BUMM BUMM BUMMMMM DRAMATIC REVERB!)

"Would you look at that," Dean Thomas murmured observantly, picking up the paper and scanning it. As he read, he whispered the article's terrible words: "Voldemort was spotted by several students yesterday at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles.(Story: Roll credits!) This is the man who is trying to put a bill through congress to stop Christians from practicing their beliefs. If passed, homeschooling will be illegal. Christians will be put in jail—maybe even killed—unless they say the Bible says what Voldemort wants it to say. Saying "Merry Christmas!"(Pinkie: Oh, come on! Christmas is barely even religious anymore!) or hanging up the Ten Commandments will put you in a "re-education program"."

When Dean Thomas was finished, Hermione burst into tears. Harry gave her hair an innocent, friendly pat.

"How could anyone be so angry at God?" Hermione sobbed.

"I don't know," Harry declared tentatively. "He's a horrible person."

Dean Thomas nodded sagely and muttered to himself in disgust, "First they try to change the Pledge of Allegiance. Now they don't want us to be Christians. Next they'll be killing us all. It's a bad time to be a true Christian in America."(Story: It's also a bad time to be black or Mexican or a Muslim in America, but apparently you don't care about that.)

Ronald sat in guilty silence as he watched his new friends fearing for the future. He was beginning to wonder just what sort of Hat it was that he had chosen.(Pinkie: (dramatically) THE WORST HAT.)

John 15:19 - If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

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Story: Well, that was-

(A knocking is heard on the door; both girls freeze)

Ben: (from outside) Hey girls? It's me. You can come out now.

Story: (eyes wide) BEN! (runs to the door)

Pinkie: Story, wait!

(Story ignores her, unbolts the door, and opens it wide–and freezes.)

(Ben's there, alright, but he's wearing a green polo shirt with his hair in a side part and his eyes blazing blue.)

(Uh-oh.)

Story: (shocked) B-Ben?

Ben: (gives a cheerful smile, though it has a sinister undercurrent) Time to bring you to Mommy.

(He grabs Story by the shoulders, causing her to shriek.)

Pinkie: STORY!!

(A blue glow envelopes Story, abruptly silencing her, before it fills the whole room, causing Pinkie to shield her eyes.)

TO BE CONTINUED...
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 6
In which Pinkie becomes the Designated Survivor. Oh boy.

Everyone belongs to their respective owners.
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Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 4 (or, Oh No! The Plot!)

(We see Story and Sashi competeing in a fierce dance-off in front of a TV screen, each one holding a Wii mote. Ben and Pinkie are watching from a couch nearby, the latter munching on some popcorn. Finally, the two dancers stop, start panting, and watch the screen.)

Story: YESSSSS! (Pumps a fist in the air)

Sashi: (growls) Oh COME ON! That's supposed to be an easy one!

Story: (smug grin) Well, it just so happens that the Just Dance team made the "Shape of You" routine specifically for those with my dance skills!

Sashi: So, no dance skills at all?

Story: Exactly! (beat) Wait, WHAT?!

Pinkie: (stands up) Oh look! It's time to resume our MST!

Story: (glaring at Sashi) We will continue this argument later.

Ben: Hang on a sec...has anyone seen Dib?

Sashi: (shrug) Not for a few hours.

Dib: (offscreen) Here I am!

(Everyone turns in the direction of his voice...and stares.)

(We pan to Dib, who is looking very different. His signature hair has been neatly combed into a side part, his eyes look blue under his glasses, and he's wearing a black polo shirt, a pair of jeans, and black sneakers. And he's smiling for the first time since he was forced to join this MST.)

Dib: (cheerfully) Isn't it a lovely day, you guys? Thank the Lord for that!

(Everyone looks at each other.)

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One minute later...

Dib: (being carried by Sashi) Why does my quoting scripture enrage you so?!

Ben: Because you're not supposed to be quoting scripture in the first place!

Story: We're gonna lock you up in the medical testing room for awhile, alright?

Dib: (struggling) No, this is not alright! My mommy will–

Pinkie: We're here!

(She opens the door to the medical testing room, allowing Sashi to chuck Dib in. Pinkie closes the door once she does so and dusts off her hands.)

Ben: Wait, I thought Dib's only family was his dad and sister. Why did he mention having a mommy?

(Everyone freezes)

Story: (facepalms) I think we have a major problem on our hands.

Pinkie: No duh! Someone should probably check up on him periodically while the rest of us read Grace Ann's "masterpiece".

Sashi: I can check on him during the chapter break.

Ben: Perfect! Why don't we get started then? (presses the button)

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Author's Note: Hello, friends! Phew, this chapter took longer to write than I'd thought it would. There is so much to be done here at Fort Parsons, some days, I don't think I'll ever get caught up.(Story: Things aren't that great here at Fort UTR, either. For the record, I blame you.) But now that the little ones are sound asleep, I'm finally getting around to putting the finishing touches on this little chapter. I apologize for the delay!

Now, there have been quite a few questions and comments coming in; and I thought I should take time to address a few; since I don't have time to reply individually. First of all, to all the mommies(Ben: Trolls.) who have expressed their appreciation of this little story of mine: thank you! Your support keeps me writing. Remember, though-the glory is not mine; it is the work of a greater cause. And the people who call me names: a Bible-believing Christian is like a big, ugly monster who lives under a bridge(Pinkie Nah, only your breed of Christian is like that!); and wanting everyone to do the right thing and go to heaven makes one a so-called "bigot", hmmm? Well, that's this modern world for you! And finally, to the people who say that I am "spreading hate"-take a look at some of the comments posted here; saying that I am a terrible writer and a terrible mother whose children will hate her one day. Who is it who is spreading hate here? Because I don't think it's me!(Sashi: ...okay, point taken.)

The Great Hall burst into applause as a red and yellow baseball cap with a lion embroidered on the front appeared on Harry's head.(Story: Magic cap, apply directly to the Christian! Magic cap–(gets smacked by Sashi) OWWW! What was that for?!)(Sashi: You know darn well what it was for.) He hopped deftly off the table and landed on his little feet. He could feel the love of the Lord surging through him; and he knew he had made the right decision.

He was even more sure of his decision when Hermione dashed across the cafeteria to give him a big, spontaneous hug. She too was sporting a red and yellow baseball cap; although her cap had a kitten on it instead of a lion.(Ben: Because the author, as usual, believes women are the weaker sex, despite claiming otherwise.)

"I'm so happy, Harry!" she cried gladly, delicate tears streaming down her face.(Pinkie: We're gonna get more shipping fuel together! YAY!) "When I saw you eating with that family, I was so scared. I thought you might become a Slytherin."

"Never worry about that," Harry declared boldly and bravely. "I am a Gryffindor, now and forever."

"Well chosen," Dumbledore declared approvingly as he took long, energetic strides to cross the crowded, noisy room. "Welcome to the Gryffindor Hat, Harry!"(Everyone: Hooray.)

Harry beamed happily. Truly, he had been blessed! As he sat down to finish his breakfast; and he was still glowing from joy; he sat back next to Ronald.

"Will you still be my friend, even though you are a different Hat?" Ronald asked timidly.(Story: Nah, screw whatever bond we had in the books!)

"Of course!" Harry declared generously; and he began to eat his eggs. He had expected his eggs to be cold by now-what with all the hullabaloo-but lo and behold, they were still piping hot. He would not pretend that what Ronald believed about worshipping the dead(Ben: Eh, go ahead and worship whatever you want! As long as it's not a stalker shrine. Or Vilgax. Or Diagon. Or all three at once. (shudders)); but he could still offer the young boy friendship in the spirit of Matthew 2:16-17.

"Thank you, Harry," Ronald uttered happily. He may have been sporting a green and black hat with a snake on it; which testified to his Slytherin beliefs; but he could recognize Harry's pure-hearted godliness, generosity, humility, and innocent goodness.(Sashi: So when's this friendship gonna hit the rocks?) He looked around at his siblings, all of them wearing hats identical to his; and he wondered why none of them were like that.

"Attention, students," Reverend Dumbledore announced authoritatively as he hopped onto the stage; and he held the microphone by his mouth.

"Congratulations on picking your Hats," he continued kindly. "I am sure you have all chosen wisely."(Pinkie: Unless you didn't choose a Gryffindor Hat!)

Harry hmmed to himself. He knew that the Reverend meant well; but was it really doing the members of the other Hats much good to tell them that everything was the same when it wasn't? Wouldn't they all be happier if they knew to read the Bible and take it seriously? Dumbledore thought he was making everyone happy; and perhaps he was in the short run; but in the long run, Harry worried that he was doing more harm than good.(Story: Remember kids, anyone with different beliefs from yours is EVIL!)

Harry did not say anything; because he was new to the flock and didn't feel confident in his connection with the Lord. But sometimes, it takes newcomers to point out the flaws we don't see in our own communities.

The reverend clapped his hands against each other once; and then he spoke enthusiastically, "Now, you will be sharing most of your classes with other members of your Hat; so it would be good for you to get to know them now. Ravenclaw Hats, please gather around Mr. Moody. Hufflepuff Hats, please gather around Mr. Sprout. Slytherin Hats, please gather around Mr. Finnegan. And Gryffindor Hats, please gather around Mr. Snape."(Ben: (headdesk) Oh, for the love of...)

Now, at the beginning of the breakfast meal, Harry had noticed, a tall, mysterious-looking man with long dark hair and gaunt, enigmatic features. He was dressed stylishly in a crisp, black suit; and his tie made a shock of red in the otherwise totally black outfit. The dark hair on his pale chest was neatly trimmed but still noticeably thick; and he wore elegant, black leather shoes on both of his feet. (Pinkie: Ladies and gentlemen, the poster boy for the Self-Fanservice trope! Oh, those wacky fangirls!)It was now that he noticed that, on the table that this man was sitting at, was a placard that said on it, "Mr. Snape."

Harry followed the other brave young children wearing Gryffindor Hats.

Author's Note: Blessings!

Matthew 2:16-17 - And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans(Sashi: What's a publican?)(Story: (looks it up) British pub owners or tax collectors. Maybe both.) and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners? When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, "They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

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Sashi: Now that that's over, I'm gonna check on Dib. If I'm not back in five minutes, continue on without me.

Everyone else: (nods)

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The medical testing room...

(We see the inside of a well-lit room, much like a doctor's office with lots of computers. Dib is in there, sitting on an examination table, humming a hymn to himself. The door opens.)

Sashi: Hey Dib? It's me.

(Dib turns to face her as she comes in.)

Dib: Hello, Sashi.

Sashi: Listen, if you're done being a creepy stepford Bible quoter, we've got a whole lot of things for you to snark at outside.

Dib: I didn't like it when you threw me in here. But I forgive you Sashi, because of Luke 23:34.

Sashi: Great, now let's get...wait a second.

Dib: Besides, Mommy says she can help you become a good person.

(The door closes and locks itself. Sashi prepares to ram it open, only for an invisible force to knock her to the wall. Wind starts blowing around the room.)

Dib: She helped me see the error of my ways, and forgave me for my sins. She hopes she can do the same for you and everyone else in this building.

Sashi: (struggling) Dib, KNOCK IT OFF!

Dib: Don't worry. She'll save you. She'll save you all. Whether you like it or not.

(A glowing blue apparition appears in the room. Sashi stares at it in wide-eyed horror)

Sashi: Oh, f-

(The blue glow envelopes her and everything else in the room.)

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Pinkie: (checks her watch) Welp, it's been five minutes. Shall we continue?

Ben: (shrugs) Eh, sure. We'll check up on her once we're done.

Story: Then let's commence! (presses the button)

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Author's Note: Hello, friends! Things have finally calmed down a bit here at Fort Parsons; and I am so excited to share with you all another new chapter. One thing I would like to talk about, though; many people have been calling me a "misogynist". That means "woman-hater". Friends: I do not hate women!(Story: I have a story's worth of proof that says otherwise.) I am a woman! Now, what is it I have done to have people calling me this? Well, apparently, it is saying that women are loving and nurturing and good.(Ben: And not suited for anything besides being housewives and mothers!) Right-how hateful! I'm just a big old mean bigot, huh? Wait-wrong! That is not a bigoted thing to say at all!

Now; it is certainly true that what is written in the Bible about women was used as an excuse to actually be hateful to women. And that is terrible.(Pinkie: He stole eleven cakes in all. And that's terrible!) And there are some people out there who think all women are stupid or "less than men". Friends: this is not what I believe at all!(Story: Oh, really? Because I find that hard to believe.) I believe that women have special gifts that are no less than men. In fact, I think that; if womanly virtues were respected more; the world would be a much better place to live! And any of those so-called Christians who hate women and think women are stupid and worth less than men and that God doesn't respect us; well, they will all get a very serious talking-to from a certain housewife ;)

Now; does that sound misogynistic to you?(Everyone: YES!)

Harry Potter walked nervously over to the table of Mr. Snape. The other little ones wearing red and yellow hats did the same. Mr. Snape silently stood up; and he motioned with his head for the boys and girls to follow him; and he sauntered out of the Great Hall.

He led them into a small classroom with a few desks in it. He silently(Ben: Snape, the Silent Preacher. Had his tongue cut out during WWII. It was tragic.) motioned for the little ones to sit down at the desks. They did. He stood up at the blackboard in front of them.

"Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles(Pinkie: Roll credits!)," greeted the older but still handsome in a dignified, rugged way amicably.

The little ones all sat in respectful attention.

"So you have all chosen the Gryffindor Hat?" Mr. Snape queried(Story: Well, duh, otherwise we'd be eating vegan bacon with Loony Luna right now.); and he raised his eyebrow.

"Yes, Mr. Snape," chorused all the students together.

"Well," Mr. Snape said; and he drew his tall, strapping form up to its full, impressive height, "I would like to say that your choosing will make you happy; or that your lives will be easy; but I will not lie. There are dark forces in the world; and they do not like Christians. And when I say Christians; I mean Gryffindor Hats.(Ben: Yep, the other hats are evil incarnate in this.)(Pinkie: EVIIIIIIL!) They love the Hufflepuff Hats; because the Hufflepuff Hats believe everything these people say and slap the label "Christian" onto that philosophy; and so the Hufflepuff Hats make it easier. The Ravenclaw Hats, these people claim not to like; but then they pretend that the Ravenclaw Hats' extremism applies to all Christians; so the Ravenclaw Hats help them."(Story: And that's why atheism is the best religion. No offense to anyone, of course.)(Pinkie: None taken!)

Harry frowned confusedly. After the Reverend's acceptance of all the Hats; he wondered why Mr. Snape was addressing things so directly.(Ben: Because  he's Snape.) He found Mr. Snape's honesty refreshing; but he also wondered-was the honesty also combined with the hate for others that he had seen in Draco's Hat? He thought the other Hats were wrong; but he did not want Mr. Snape to hate them for being wrong! He wanted to help them!

"And then, of course, is the Slytherin Hats. The Slytherin Hats will tell you we are all on the same side because they agree with Gryffindor Hats on some things. But do not be fooled! Their leader is working with…..Voldemort!"(Story: ...Jesus Christ (joke intended), they ARE going through with Ron being evil. (buries head in hands))

A shocked, horrified gasp echoed throughout the classroom. Harry slapped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to contain his horror; but he was still shocked. His new friend not only worshipped a goddess(Ben: First statues, then Mary, then dead people, and now a goddess. Does the S in Slytherin stand for Sinners or Super-religiously-fluid?); but he was also now in cahoots with Voldemort?! The little ones all gasped again; this time, they were even more horrified. From the back of the room, a clean-cut, respectably dressed young boy raised his hand.

"But what about the Constitution?" Dean Thomas questioned articulately. "Doesn't he care about the First Amendment?"

Mr. Snape shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid not. And Voldemort is working through him and using them all. Before long: all our freedoms will be gone."(Pinkie: Because screw the other oppressed religions, Christianity is most important!)

Dean Thomas raised his hand again; and queried coherently, "But why does Voldemort hate Christians so much?"(Story: Because evulz.)

"No one knows," Mr. Snape responded tentatively. "However-he is on the move; and he is gaining power; and we Gryffindor Hats may be the only ones capable of stopping him."(Ben: Yep, we're doomed.)

Harry was nervous; but he clenched his fist determinedly. He was scared, but he was ready to face this evil!

Author's Note: Blessings!

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Ben: Is it just me, or is this story getting worse with each chapter?

Story: Hopefully, it's just you.

Pinkie: How about we go check on Sashi and Dib now?

Sashi: (offscreen) No need.

(Everyone turns to the source of the voice...only to stare in shock.)

(Sashi is there, now dressed in a pink satin dress that wouldn't look out of place on a Disney princess, pink satin bows in her hair, white tights, and black Mary Janes. Her eyes are a bright blue, and she's holding Dib's hand.)

Story: (shrieking) KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

Pinkie: (chuckles nervously) Uh, hey, Sashi! You look...different...

Sashi: (smiles) You can thank Mommy for that. She dressed me up in a way that will please the Lord!

Dib: Doesn't my big sister look beautiful?

Ben: Big sister? What?!

Story: (still shrieking) IT'S INFECTIOUS!

(Suddenly, both Sashi and Dib's eyes turn a solid blue. They tilt their heads back and open their mouths, releasing a stream of blue smoke.)

(The blue smoke starts swirling around until it finally settles on a form: a glowing blue, matronly woman with a serene smile on her face.)

Ben: (scrolling through Omnitrix aliens) Grace Ann, I presume?

Grace Ann: Yes, that is my name.

Pinkie: (Gulps) Demonic possession. Not good.

Grace Ann: (tilts head and frowns confusedly...oh great, now she's got ME doing it) Whatever do you mean by that, child? I'm not a demon. I'm an angel with a simple mission...to show you all the error of your ways and become good little Christian boys and girls.

Story: Is this because we mocked your story? Seems awfully petty, if you ask me.

Grace Ann: (holds her arms out and starts floating towards Story) Why don't we start with you?

(A flash of green light catches her off guard, followed by vines wrapping around her arms)

Ben (as Swampfire): I'll keep her distracted! You two get out of here!

Story: We can't just leave you here!

Pinkie: (grabs Story's arm) No time to argue, Story! Run for it!

(Pinkie runs into another room, dragging Story along; Grace Ann turns to glare at Ben)

Grace Ann: You dare to try to stop me?!

Ben: Oh hell yes.

(Screen cuts to black)
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 5
In which demonic possession does not lead to happy fun times.

Everyone belongs to their respective owners.
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Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 3 (or, Jesus Christ Easter Eggs?!)

(We see Pinkie on the karaoke machine mentioned last chapter, singing her heart out. Ben and Story are sitting to the side, watching.)

Pinkie: Throw my hands up 'cause I've had enough! It's going through my head, like it always does! Come and show me what you're made of~All that we sacrifice for love! Blowing up when push comes to shove! Gotta have it out like fight club~Fight club~Gotta have it out like fight club~Fight club~Let's put it all behind us and make love~Fight club!

Ben: (applauding) Nice.

Story: (also applauding) Pinkie, you are an awesome singer.

Pinkie: Awwww, thanks!

Dib: (offscreen) LET ME GO!

(Sashi walks onscreen, carrying a struggling Dib under her arm)

Sashi: Caught him trying to go out the window.

Story: (sighs) Looks like break time is over. Back to the crap piles!

(Pinkie and Ben groan in response)

Sashi: Oh, Pinkie? Starting with this chapter, Grace Ann seems to be providing Bible quotations at the end. So I'm sorry to say that your services are no longer needed.

Pinkie: (shrugs) Oh well!

Story: Let's get started! (presses the button).

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Author's Note: Hello, friends! I'm very sorry if this chapter is a bit shorter than usual; because just as soon as one sick little one gets better; wouldn't you know it; another one starts running a fever.(Story: Five bucks says she's getting all of them sick so she can pamper them.) Whew! A mommy's life sure is exhausting. I wasn't planning on posting another chapter until things had settled down; but the hubby(Ben: "The hubby"? Really?) says the work of the Lord doesn't wait for the whims of men. So you can all thank Ephesians 5:22-24 for the speedy update =) Ooh, and on that note-some of you lovely readers have requested me to write down the Bible verses after each chapter.(Pinkie: Hey! Those readers cost me my job!) Well, far be it from me to not spread the Word of the Lord!

Another question I have gotten-in the "original books", Harry Potter and friends frequently question authority(Sashi: Well, considering that the non-Hogwarts authority is either stupid, evil, or both...); and how do I feel about this? Well, that is quite a toughie you've asked me! I talked to the hubby about it; and we agreed that usually, it is good to obey authority; but when authority is acting contrary to the Lord; you should talk to that authority about it!(Dib: And if the authority is actively oppressing you and conspiring with a Dark Lord, sit down and shut up.) Acts 5:29! You just might see authority figures making bad decisions in this chapter-nobody is perfect except the Lord; no, not even Dumbledore, no matter what "the original books" told you-and how Harry Potter handles this will be a big question in the story. Hint: it will be very different than the "original books!"(Story: Gee, you think?)

And finally-I got a "PM" from a lovely friend who was a bit confused; so I'll just clear this up now: I do not own the "original books"; and those belong to JKR!

So, without further ado-

Harry Potter woke up drowsily in a comfy, fluffy mattress. It was only now that he had the energy to observe his surroundings. The room was small but also everything a little boy needed; there was a big, warm fire place in the grey, stone wall across from him; a shelf of intelligent, age-appropriate books-the Holy Bible was in the center of the shelf, of course!(Ben: OF COURSE!)-and there was a simple, wood dresser of respectable, school-appropriate attire; and of course a clean, porcelain sink for washing up and brushing teeth and such.

It was only then that our hero noticed that there was another bed in the room.(Pinkie: Oh yeah, that's David's bed!)(Sashi: Oh God, I hope not.) It was the same as his own bed; except that this other bed had not been made. Also, this bed had its own Bible in it; and it looked different from the one on the shelf. But where was this new roommate of his?

Harry looked behind him to see a small, pallid young boy with shockingly bright red hair kneeling with seeming piety as he prayed to a small statue.(Dib: Wait, isn't idol worship forbidden in the Bible?)(Story: (facepalm) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ron the Death Eater!) At this shocking sight, Harry felt a horror; but he quickly composed himself; and declared bravely, "Hello, friend! My name is Harry Potter; and I take it that we are roommates. What's your name?"

"Ronald Weasley," the other boy responded friendlily(Ben: "Friendlily"? What?); and he reached out a hand to shake. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I am a Christian, too."

"Really?" Harry exclaimed delightedly; and clasped his hands together. "This is joyous news!"

Ronald smiled deviously; and Harry remembered that he had just seen this boy praying to a statue; and he wondered why that would be; but he was new to this whole Christianity thing; and maybe that was okay.(Pinkie: Spoiler alert: it isn't.) Still, it didn't feel quite right. He bravely resolved to would bring it up with Dumbledore.

"Would you like to come with me to breakfast?" Ronald queried politely; as he got up from the statue he had been kneeling in front of. "They have delicious food here in the Great Hall."

"Would I ever!" Harry cried delightedly; and he bolted out of bed; and brushed his teeth; and washed his face. This little one certainly had a healthy appetite!

In a jiffy, Harry and his new friend had joined the stream of young lads on the steep, winding stairs heading to breakfast. They could smell the aroma of breakfast from the Great Hall(Sashi: They actually cooked it themselves for once? Shock.); and it wafted right into their noses! Before they knew it, they were all sitting in the Great Hall.

"Come sit with me and my family," Ronald offered eagerly; and he motioned frantically toward a table packed full of people with hair just as red as his. "Come on come on come on; I can't wait for them to see that I have made a new friend!"

Harry followed Ronald with the obedience of one who does not have many friends in a new situation. Oh, what a difficult circumstance that can be-and how many believers have been led astray by those situations!

"Guys, guys, guys!" Ronald screeched(Dib: (covers ears) OW!) joyously as he pulled Harry toward the table of his family. "This is Harry Potter; and he is my new roommate."

"Hello, Harry!" the Weasleys chorused in unison. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"(Story: Roll credits!)

"H-hello," Harry stammered shyly. Something about this group made him nervous. "Nice to meet you."

He sat down at their table. He could smell a delicious breakfast-but where was the food?(Ben: Here we go...)

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when the Reverend Dumbledore came onto the Great Hall's stage; and dropped down to his knees; and raised his hands skyward; and screamed, "Dear Lord, please provide these devout young ones with three strips of bacon or links of sausage each-two for the ladies-a bowl of hardy oatmeal flavored with cinnamon and apple chunks; two poached eggs cooked all the way through; home fries seasoned with garlic; a glass each of orange juice and milk; and dishes up to the task."(Pinkie: And the Lord said, "OH FOR THE LOVE OF-")

Harry was once again amazed to see the food appear in front of him. The food looked and smelled amazing. He suspected good old Minerva had something to do with this delicious spread!(Sashi: Nope, it was all the Lord's work. Because all you people are lazy. God, Robbie Rotten would love it here.)(Dib: FOR THE LOVE OF TECHNICOLOR, NO MEMES!)

But before he dug into the food; he remembered that he had something to discuss with the reverend. Harry fought his nervousness; and he ran after Dumbledore as he hopped dexterously off of the stage.

"Excuse me!" the young believer cried innocently as he ran after the reverend as fast as his little legs could carry him. "Excuse me, reverend!"

"What is it, son?" the reverend reiterated kindly. He was dressed respectably in sturdy, manly jeans and a red, white; and blue plaid shirt over which a few virile tresses were visible; and a pair of admirable, brown cowboy boots.(Story: 'MURICA! (censored) YEAH!) "Are you settling in alright?"

"I sure am," Harry retorted graciously. "How are things with your family?"

"Very well," replied Dumbledore knowledgeably; and he was impressed with this little one's manners. "Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well," Harry began uncomfortably; and he scuffed his blue-sneakered foot against the polished wood floor of the Great Hall. "I woke up this morning and saw my roommate praying to a statue. Is that really an okay thing to do?"

"That is a real toughie," Dumbledore answered ponderously. "Well, I don't worship idols. It is, in fact, a very un-Christian thing to do.(Ben: Then why the heck is he at Hogwarts School for Propaganda and Reconditioning? (beat) I just answered my own question, didn't I?)(Everyone else: (nods)) But you see, here at Hogwarts, we divide ourselves up into Sorting Hats. After breakfast, all the new little ones will choose their Hats. Each of the different Hats have different beliefs; but we all love the Lord! And what more in common do you need?"

"That does sound true," Harry pondered sensitively. "But is it really? It seems that, if we all really love the Lord, we don't need to divide ourselves. Are the divisions between the different Hats really so significant as to merit dividing Christianity? What are these divisions?"

"Well, they are somewhat significant," Dumbledore allowed tentatively. "For instance, I am a Gryffindor Hat. We believe everything in the Bible; and only the Bible. That redheaded roommate of yours is a Slytherin Hat."(Pinkie: Actually, he was a Gryffindor hat, but we moved him to Slytherin for the sake of the story.)

"And Slytherins worship statues?" Harry queried innocently.

The reverend nodded gravely.

"Then how are they Christian?" Harry questioned skeptically. "What about Exodus 20:4-6? That's a ten commandment!"(Sashi: One of the Ten Commandments! One of the Ten Commandments!)

"Well, they have different commandments," Dumbledore explained well-meaningly. "They love the Lord; and that is all we need."

"But do they really love the Lord?" Harry posited timidly. "If they do; then why do they worship statues?"

"Dark days are coming," Dumbledore replied earnestly. "We need to be inclusive(Dib: (doing a bad Dumbledore impersonation) Soon enough we might have to bring...(shudder)...ATHEISTS into our ranks!). If there were only Gryffindor Hats at Hogwarts; then there would not be many people left."

"I see," Harry conceded uncertainly as he walked back to Ronald's overcrowded table. He was getting nervous about this Hat business; but he supposed he did have to trust Dumbledore. After all, grownups know best, right?(Story: Obviously Grace Ann has never been to your town, Dib.)(Dib: Ya think?)

Author's Note – Blessings!

Ephesians 5:22-24: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.(Ben: I guess feminism wasn't a big thing back when this was written.)

Acts 5:29: Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, "We ought to obey God rather than men."

Exodus 20:4-6: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above(Pinkie: And yet, years later, they're selling Jesus Christ plastic easter eggs.)(Sashi: I'm sorry, WHAT?!)(Dib: You're kidding, right?)(Pinkie: (shakes head))(Ben: (cackling hysterically) Oh, that's TOO rich!)(Story: (shakes her head) Jesus Christ, joke intended.), or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; and shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

00000

Story: So, what did you guys think?

Ben: (still laughing)

Pinkie: Why do people hate Ron so much?

Sashi: (shrug)

Dib: Can we not prolong this any longer and just get to the next chapter? I'd like it to be over as quickly as possible.

Story: Alright then! Here we go! (presses the button)

00000

Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize to people who's private messages I haven't been able to reply to; but things are awful busy here in Fort Parsons; and a mommy's work is never done! Many thanks to those lovely friends who have asked about the little ones. It looks like the second sickie did not have pneumonia after all; and it was just the flu.(Story: Hooray.) It was a rough few days; but now all the little Parsonses are in tip-top shape. Phew!

Harry Potter walked back to the table of redheads. It was only now that he noticed that they were all wearing black and green baseball caps with snakes on them.(Ben: They say that redheads look good in green!) Tentatively, Harry sat down next to Ronald; who was not wearing a hat; since he, like Harry, was new.

"So," Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon.(Pinkie: Mmmmmmmm...bacon.) "What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?"

"Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin," Ronald declared confidently; and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands. "My whole family is Slytherins.(Sashi: Is IN Slytherin, dangit! Is IN Slytherin!)" He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table; and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. "You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!"

"Hm," Harry uttered ponderously; and he took a bite of eggs. "Why don't you tell me about what Slytherins believe?"

"Sure!" Ronald replied ecstatically; and he kept eating his oatmeal. "Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible."

"That is wonderful!" Harry reacted happily; and he took a sip of his orange juice. "I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?"

"But wait-that is not all!" Ronald continued excitedly; and washed his oatmeal down with milk. "Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do."(Dib: Big brother is watching...)

Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow; and he took another bite of oatmeal; and he questioned confusedly, "Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?"

Ronald guffawed; and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth; and he replied, "Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!"

Harry gasped in horror(Story: He has a different opinion from mine! HE'S EVIL!)(Ben: Half the internet in a nutshell. The rest is porn.) as he bit into more bacon. "Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?"

"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"

"You mean the mommy of Our Lord?" Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. "I don't worship her?"

"Well, then, God hates you!"(Pinkie: Eh, God couldn't care less as long as you're nice.) Ron stated simply; and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so.

Harry was tentative; since he was new to this whole Christianity thing; but he did not think God would hate him for not worshipping His mommy.(Sashi: (facepalm) No, Mary is Jesus' mommy. I don't think God has a mommy.) On the contrary: he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him.

"Don't listen to him," commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.

Harry turned around; and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. "Peace" signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.(Dib: And a joint was hanging out of her mouth.)(Story: DIB!)(Dib: What?! She's going for all the other stereotypes here!)

"You should not become a Slytherin Hat," the girl continued confidently; and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; but it did not smell or taste like bacon. It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week.(Ben: I think you skipped the part where Harry eats her bacon.)(Pinkie: (blows a kiss) Goodnight, everyone!)(Ben: Oh, come on! That was barely even an innuendo!) "They are far too strict."

Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; but the word "strict" was not what came to mind!

"You should become a Hufflepuff Hat," the girl instructed arrogantly; and continued to nibble at her breakfast. "That's what I'm going to do."

"What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?" Harry pondered aloud; and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!

"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it," Luna(Sashi: Didn't Luna enroll after Harry?)(Dib: (sigh) Yes, yes she did.) explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that's about it. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!"

That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.(Story: And introducing Draco Malfoy!)

"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!(Ben: Hypocrite.)

"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"(Ben: I rest my case.)

Draco gasped tentatively. "You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!"

"No, I'm not!" Harry fired back bravely. "You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it! Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!"

Luna smiled at him gratefully.(Pinkie: Man, if he keeps this up, he's gonna have a harem in record time!)

Draco was clearly fumbling for ground here-there is not much ground to stand on when you are being hateful!-but he finally came up with, "Well, at least I don't eat with Slytherin Hats! I hate Slytherins!"

Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal.

"I don't hate Slytherin Hats!" Harry declared boldly. "I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; but that is because I love them!(Sashi: And I'll love 'em even more if they give up their beliefs!) Besides, the Lord ate with sinners all the time!"

"Thank you, Harry," Ronald whispered tearfully.

"Well-well-you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me," Draco sputtered blusteringly. "We really are the best Hat."

"I think you mean, 'We really are the most hateful hat,'" Harry corrected cleverly; and then he jumped up onto the table; and he got down on his knees; and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall; and he bellowed, "Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!"(Dib: And the Lord said, "Great! I don't care!")(Pinkie: Hey! That's my line!)

Author's Note: Blessings!

Matthew 7:1 – Judge not, that ye not be judged.

00000

Story: Well, we are now almost halfway done with this!

(Mass rejoicing)

Dib: But for now, I'm going to bed. (he walks off)

Ben: So what do you guys wanna do now?

Story: I bought a copy of the newest Just Dance game.

Pinkie: (zooms towards the rec room) Those achievments have my name on them!

Sashi: (runs after her) Not if I have anything to say about it!

(Ben and Story smirk at each other; Ben turns to the camera)

Ben: (grabs top of screen) Next time, Harry is officially indoctrinated into his house and no one cares! Until then, stay tuned! (pulls the screen down)

00000

Somewhere in...whatever building they're doing these reviews in...

(Dib is in a guest bedroom, reading a book. Suddenly, he's bathed in a light blue glow coming from offscreen, startling him)

Dib: What the-?

???: Awww, you poor little thing. You don't have a mommy, do you?

Dib: (turns in the direction of the glow) WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!

???: Tsk, tsk. You shouldn't be rude to me like that. But don't worry, I can take all of that rudeness away, and you'll be a good little Christian boy.

Dib: WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU–

(The blue glow becomes brighter, causing Dib to cover his eyes and blocking the camera)

Dib: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

(The screen goes blue)
Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 4
Look up "Oriental Trading Jesus Easter Eggs". Yes, they actually exist.

To quote Mom, "Somwhere, Muhammad is laughing his ass off and saying 'THIS is why my face isn't on any merchandise!'"

Also, Dib is now in mortal peril. Or something.

Everyone belongs to their respective owners. The song at the beginning is "Fight Club" by Lights.
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So my sister's school has recently had something happen that's mildly exciting.

Apparently, while she and her friends were heading home for the day, they were told to exit through a different door. This was because a couple of protesters who thought that this was the Catholic school a few blocks away were yelling stuff about Jesus being evil and the Pope being the Antichrist.

Reactions varied from "that's inconvenient" to "you think you're influencing our behavior, but really we're just going to turn you nut jobs into memes".
  • Listening to: "The Only Exception" by Paramore
  • Watching: DUCKTALES! WOO-OO!

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Laura
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Watch for random posts! (Also, I don't do requests or comissions, sorry)
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Jemmix123 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2016
Welcome to Deviantart! Panda Emoji-31 (Hello) [V2] 
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Storygirl000 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2016   General Artist
Thanks!
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Huntertje Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hello Laura, welcome to the da-family,and here a little welcome-present : huntertje.deviantart.com/art/U…

Enjoy here !!
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Storygirl000 Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2016   General Artist
Um, thanks?
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