Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 3 (or, Jesus Christ Easter Eggs?!)(We see Pinkie on the karaoke machine mentioned last chapter, singing her heart out. Ben and Story are sitting to the side, watching.)Pinkie: Throw my hands up 'cause I've had enough! It's going through my head, like it always does! Come and show me what you're made of~All that we sacrifice for love! Blowing up when push comes to shove! Gotta have it out like fight club~Fight club~Gotta have it out like fight club~Fight club~Let's put it all behind us and make love~Fight club!Ben: (applauding) Nice.Story: (also applauding) Pinkie, you are an awesome singer.Pinkie: Awwww, thanks!Dib: (offscreen) LET ME GO!(Sashi walks onscreen, carrying a struggling Dib under her arm)Sashi: Caught him trying to go out the window.Story: (sighs) Looks like break time is over. Back to the crap piles!(Pinkie and Ben groan in response)Sashi: Oh, Pinkie? Starting with this chapter, Grace Ann seems to be providing Bible quotations at the end. So I'm sorry to say that your services are no longer needed.Pinkie: (shrugs) Oh well!Story: Let's get started! (presses the button)
00000Author's Note: Hello, friends! I'm very sorry if this chapter is a bit shorter than usual; because just as soon as one sick little one gets better; wouldn't you know it; another one starts running a fever.(Story: Five bucks says she's getting all of them sick so she can pamper them.) Whew! A mommy's life sure is exhausting. I wasn't planning on posting another chapter until things had settled down; but the hubby(Ben: "The hubby"? Really?) says the work of the Lord doesn't wait for the whims of men. So you can all thank Ephesians 5:22-24 for the speedy update Ooh, and on that note-some of you lovely readers have requested me to write down the Bible verses after each chapter.(Pinkie: Hey! Those readers cost me my job!) Well, far be it from me to not spread the Word of the Lord!Another question I have gotten-in the "original books", Harry Potter and friends frequently question authority(Sashi: Well, considering that the non-Hogwarts authority is either stupid, evil, or both...); and how do I feel about this? Well, that is quite a toughie you've asked me! I talked to the hubby about it; and we agreed that usually, it is good to obey authority; but when authority is acting contrary to the Lord; you should talk to that authority about it!(Dib: And if the authority is actively oppressing you and conspiring with a Dark Lord, sit down and shut up.) Acts 5:29! You just might see authority figures making bad decisions in this chapter-nobody is perfect except the Lord; no, not even Dumbledore, no matter what "the original books" told you-and how Harry Potter handles this will be a big question in the story. Hint: it will be very different than the "original books!"(Story: Gee, you think?)And finally-I got a "PM" from a lovely friend who was a bit confused; so I'll just clear this up now: I do not own the "original books"; and those belong to JKR!So, without further ado-
Harry Potter woke up drowsily in a comfy, fluffy mattress. It was only now that he had the energy to observe his surroundings. The room was small but also everything a little boy needed; there was a big, warm fire place in the grey, stone wall across from him; a shelf of intelligent, age-appropriate books-the Holy Bible was in the center of the shelf, of course!(Ben: OF COURSE!)
-and there was a simple, wood dresser of respectable, school-appropriate attire; and of course a clean, porcelain sink for washing up and brushing teeth and such.
It was only then that our hero noticed that there was another bed in the room.(Pinkie: Oh yeah, that's David's bed!)(Sashi: Oh God, I hope not.)
It was the same as his own bed; except that this other bed had not been made. Also, this bed had its own Bible in it; and it looked different from the one on the shelf. But where was this new roommate of his?
Harry looked behind him to see a small, pallid young boy with shockingly bright red hair kneeling with seeming piety as he prayed to a small statue.(Dib: Wait, isn't idol worship forbidden in the Bible?)(Story: (facepalm) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ron the Death Eater!)
At this shocking sight, Harry felt a horror; but he quickly composed himself; and declared bravely, "Hello, friend! My name is Harry Potter; and I take it that we are roommates. What's your name?"
"Ronald Weasley," the other boy responded friendlily(Ben: "Friendlily"? What?)
; and he reached out a hand to shake. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I am a Christian, too."
"Really?" Harry exclaimed delightedly; and clasped his hands together. "This is joyous news!"
Ronald smiled deviously; and Harry remembered that he had just seen this boy praying to a statue; and he wondered why that would be; but he was new to this whole Christianity thing; and maybe that was okay.(Pinkie: Spoiler alert: it isn't.)
Still, it didn't feel quite right. He bravely resolved to would bring it up with Dumbledore.
"Would you like to come with me to breakfast?" Ronald queried politely; as he got up from the statue he had been kneeling in front of. "They have delicious food here in the Great Hall."
"Would I ever!" Harry cried delightedly; and he bolted out of bed; and brushed his teeth; and washed his face. This little one certainly had a healthy appetite!
In a jiffy, Harry and his new friend had joined the stream of young lads on the steep, winding stairs heading to breakfast. They could smell the aroma of breakfast from the Great Hall(Sashi: They actually cooked it themselves for once? Shock.)
; and it wafted right into their noses! Before they knew it, they were all sitting in the Great Hall.
"Come sit with me and my family," Ronald offered eagerly; and he motioned frantically toward a table packed full of people with hair just as red as his. "Come on come on come on; I can't wait for them to see that I have made a new friend!"
Harry followed Ronald with the obedience of one who does not have many friends in a new situation. Oh, what a difficult circumstance that can be-and how many believers have been led astray by those situations!
"Guys, guys, guys!" Ronald screeched(Dib: (covers ears) OW!)
joyously as he pulled Harry toward the table of his family. "This is Harry Potter; and he is my new roommate."
"Hello, Harry!" the Weasleys chorused in unison. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"(Story: Roll credits!)
"H-hello," Harry stammered shyly. Something about this group made him nervous. "Nice to meet you."
He sat down at their table. He could smell a delicious breakfast-but where was the food?(Ben: Here we go...)
No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when the Reverend Dumbledore came onto the Great Hall's stage; and dropped down to his knees; and raised his hands skyward; and screamed, "Dear Lord, please provide these devout young ones with three strips of bacon or links of sausage each-two for the ladies-a bowl of hardy oatmeal flavored with cinnamon and apple chunks; two poached eggs cooked all the way through; home fries seasoned with garlic; a glass each of orange juice and milk; and dishes up to the task."(Pinkie: And the Lord said, "OH FOR THE LOVE OF-")
Harry was once again amazed to see the food appear in front of him. The food looked and smelled amazing. He suspected good old Minerva had something to do with this delicious spread!(Sashi: Nope, it was all the Lord's work. Because all you people are lazy. God, Robbie Rotten would love it here.)(Dib: FOR THE LOVE OF TECHNICOLOR, NO MEMES!)
But before he dug into the food; he remembered that he had something to discuss with the reverend. Harry fought his nervousness; and he ran after Dumbledore as he hopped dexterously off of the stage.
"Excuse me!" the young believer cried innocently as he ran after the reverend as fast as his little legs could carry him. "Excuse me, reverend!"
"What is it, son?" the reverend reiterated kindly. He was dressed respectably in sturdy, manly jeans and a red, white; and blue plaid shirt over which a few virile tresses were visible; and a pair of admirable, brown cowboy boots.(Story: 'MURICA! (censored) YEAH!)
"Are you settling in alright?"
"I sure am," Harry retorted graciously. "How are things with your family?"
"Very well," replied Dumbledore knowledgeably; and he was impressed with this little one's manners. "Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?"
"Well," Harry began uncomfortably; and he scuffed his blue-sneakered foot against the polished wood floor of the Great Hall. "I woke up this morning and saw my roommate praying to a statue. Is that really an okay thing to do?"
"That is a real toughie," Dumbledore answered ponderously. "Well, I don't worship idols. It is, in fact, a very un-Christian thing to do.(Ben: Then why the heck is he at Hogwarts School for Propaganda and Reconditioning? (beat) I just answered my own question, didn't I?)(Everyone else: (nods))
But you see, here at Hogwarts, we divide ourselves up into Sorting Hats. After breakfast, all the new little ones will choose their Hats. Each of the different Hats have different beliefs; but we all love the Lord! And what more in common do you need?"
"That does sound true," Harry pondered sensitively. "But is it really? It seems that, if we all really love the Lord, we don't need to divide ourselves. Are the divisions between the different Hats really so significant as to merit dividing Christianity? What are these divisions?"
"Well, they are somewhat significant," Dumbledore allowed tentatively. "For instance, I am a Gryffindor Hat. We believe everything in the Bible; and only the Bible. That redheaded roommate of yours is a Slytherin Hat."(Pinkie: Actually, he was a Gryffindor hat, but we moved him to Slytherin for the sake of the story.)
"And Slytherins worship statues?" Harry queried innocently.
The reverend nodded gravely.
"Then how are they Christian?" Harry questioned skeptically. "What about Exodus 20:4-6? That's a ten commandment!"(Sashi: One of the Ten Commandments! One of the Ten Commandments!)
"Well, they have different commandments," Dumbledore explained well-meaningly. "They love the Lord; and that is all we need."
"But do they really love the Lord?" Harry posited timidly. "If they do; then why do they worship statues?"
"Dark days are coming," Dumbledore replied earnestly. "We need to be inclusive(Dib: (doing a bad Dumbledore impersonation) Soon enough we might have to bring...(shudder)...ATHEISTS into our ranks!)
. If there were only Gryffindor Hats at Hogwarts; then there would not be many people left."
"I see," Harry conceded uncertainly as he walked back to Ronald's overcrowded table. He was getting nervous about this Hat business; but he supposed he did have to trust Dumbledore. After all, grownups know best, right?(Story: Obviously Grace Ann has never been to your town, Dib.)(Dib: Ya think?)Author's Note – Blessings!Ephesians 5:22-24: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.(Ben: I guess feminism wasn't a big thing back when this was written.)Acts 5:29: Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, "We ought to obey God rather than men."Exodus 20:4-6: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above(Pinkie: And yet, years later, they're selling Jesus Christ plastic easter eggs.)(Sashi: I'm sorry, WHAT?!)(Dib: You're kidding, right?)(Pinkie: (shakes head))(Ben: (cackling hysterically) Oh, that's TOO rich!)(Story: (shakes her head) Jesus Christ, joke intended.), or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; and shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
00000Story: So, what did you guys think?Ben: (still laughing)Pinkie: Why do people hate Ron so much?Sashi: (shrug)Dib: Can we not prolong this any longer and just get to the next chapter? I'd like it to be over as quickly as possible.Story: Alright then! Here we go! (presses the button)
00000Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize to people who's private messages I haven't been able to reply to; but things are awful busy here in Fort Parsons; and a mommy's work is never done! Many thanks to those lovely friends who have asked about the little ones. It looks like the second sickie did not have pneumonia after all; and it was just the flu.(Story: Hooray.) It was a rough few days; but now all the little Parsonses are in tip-top shape. Phew!
Harry Potter walked back to the table of redheads. It was only now that he noticed that they were all wearing black and green baseball caps with snakes on them.(Ben: They say that redheads look good in green!)
Tentatively, Harry sat down next to Ronald; who was not wearing a hat; since he, like Harry, was new.
"So," Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon.(Pinkie: Mmmmmmmm...bacon.)
"What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?"
"Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin," Ronald declared confidently; and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands. "My whole family is Slytherins.(Sashi: Is IN Slytherin, dangit! Is IN Slytherin!)
" He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table; and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. "You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!"
"Hm," Harry uttered ponderously; and he took a bite of eggs. "Why don't you tell me about what Slytherins believe?"
"Sure!" Ronald replied ecstatically; and he kept eating his oatmeal. "Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible."
"That is wonderful!" Harry reacted happily; and he took a sip of his orange juice. "I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?"
"But wait-that is not all!" Ronald continued excitedly; and washed his oatmeal down with milk. "Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do."(Dib: Big brother is watching...)
Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow; and he took another bite of oatmeal; and he questioned confusedly, "Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?"
Ronald guffawed; and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth; and he replied, "Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!"
Harry gasped in horror(Story: He has a different opinion from mine! HE'S EVIL!)(Ben: Half the internet in a nutshell. The rest is porn.)
as he bit into more bacon. "Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?"
"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"
"You mean the mommy of Our Lord?" Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. "I don't worship her?"
"Well, then, God hates you!"(Pinkie: Eh, God couldn't care less as long as you're nice.)
Ron stated simply; and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so.
Harry was tentative; since he was new to this whole Christianity thing; but he did not think God would hate him for not worshipping His mommy.(Sashi: (facepalm) No, Mary is Jesus' mommy. I don't think God has a mommy.)
On the contrary: he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him.
"Don't listen to him," commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.
Harry turned around; and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. "Peace" signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.(Dib: And a joint was hanging out of her mouth.)(Story: DIB!)(Dib: What?! She's going for all the other stereotypes here!)
"You should not become a Slytherin Hat," the girl continued confidently; and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; but it did not smell or taste like bacon. It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week.(Ben: I think you skipped the part where Harry eats her bacon.)(Pinkie: (blows a kiss) Goodnight, everyone!)(Ben: Oh, come on! That was barely even an innuendo!)
"They are far too strict."
Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; but the word "strict" was not what came to mind!
"You should become a Hufflepuff Hat," the girl instructed arrogantly; and continued to nibble at her breakfast. "That's what I'm going to do."
"What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?" Harry pondered aloud; and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!
"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it," Luna(Sashi: Didn't Luna enroll after Harry?)(Dib: (sigh) Yes, yes she did.)
explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that's about it. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!"
That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.(Story: And introducing Draco Malfoy!)
"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."
Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!(Ben: Hypocrite.)
"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"(Ben: I rest my case.)
Draco gasped tentatively. "You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!"
"No, I'm not!" Harry fired back bravely. "You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it! Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!"
Luna smiled at him gratefully.(Pinkie: Man, if he keeps this up, he's gonna have a harem in record time!)
Draco was clearly fumbling for ground here-there is not much ground to stand on when you are being hateful!-but he finally came up with, "Well, at least I don't eat with Slytherin Hats! I hate Slytherins!"
Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal.
"I don't hate Slytherin Hats!" Harry declared boldly. "I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; but that is because I love them!(Sashi: And I'll love 'em even more if they give up their beliefs!)
Besides, the Lord ate with sinners all the time!"
"Thank you, Harry," Ronald whispered tearfully.
"Well-well-you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me," Draco sputtered blusteringly. "We really are the best Hat."
"I think you mean, 'We really are the most hateful hat,'" Harry corrected cleverly; and then he jumped up onto the table; and he got down on his knees; and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall; and he bellowed, "Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!"(Dib: And the Lord said, "Great! I don't care!")(Pinkie: Hey! That's my line!)
Author's Note: Blessings!
Matthew 7:1 – Judge not, that ye not be judged.
00000Story: Well, we are now almost halfway done with this!(Mass rejoicing)Dib: But for now, I'm going to bed. (he walks off)Ben: So what do you guys wanna do now?Story: I bought a copy of the newest Just Dance game.Pinkie: (zooms towards the rec room) Those achievments have my name on them!Sashi: (runs after her) Not if I have anything to say about it!(Ben and Story smirk at each other; Ben turns to the camera)Ben: (grabs top of screen) Next time, Harry is officially indoctrinated into his house and no one cares! Until then, stay tuned! (pulls the screen down)
00000Somewhere in...whatever building they're doing these reviews in...(Dib is in a guest bedroom, reading a book. Suddenly, he's bathed in a light blue glow coming from offscreen, startling him)Dib: What the-????: Awww, you poor little thing. You don't have a mommy, do you?Dib: (turns in the direction of the glow) WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!???: Tsk, tsk. You shouldn't be rude to me like that. But don't worry, I can take all of that rudeness away, and you'll be a good little Christian boy.Dib: WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU–(The blue glow becomes brighter, causing Dib to cover his eyes and blocking the camera)Dib: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!(The screen goes blue)