Utter Tripe Reviews: Episode 3

Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles part 2 (or, Hermione's gone OOC! Send help!)

Ben: Okay, let me get this straight...you're a liscensed exorcist?

Pinkie: (smiles) Yep! Mom and Dad wanted me to take part in a class at our local church, and exorcism sounded the most interesting one!

Dib: (eyebrow raised) So how do I sign up for this?

Pinkie: It's easy-peasy! Just come by my place next Sunday and I'll show you!

Story: (walks in with Sashi) Alright, kiddos, time to get on with the next two chapters of proudhousewife's one and only masterpiece!

(everyone groans)

Dib: Do we have to?

Sashi: Yep. (presses the button)

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Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have struggled a lot about whether or not to keep going with this story; but, with a lot of praying, my husband and I have decided it is the right thing to do(Story: HAHAHA no. It's quite the opposite, in fact.). We want our little ones to have good, Christian literature to read; and in this modern world, sometimes, that can be hard to come by!(Ben: Why not just show them Supper Smash Bros: Mishonh From God?)(Sashi: She said good Christian literature.) So I will just have to make do

"Pleased to meet you, Reverend Dumbledore," Harry replied enthusiastically; and got to his feet. "This sure is a beautiful place you have here!"

The Reverend beamed. "Why thank you, little one!" His voice had a distinctive southern twang(Pinkie: (bad Southern accent) THERE'S A SNAKE IN MAH BOOT!) to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome. He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God.

"This poor little one was being raised in a terrible situation," Hagrid declared concernedly. "He was watched by a babysitter every second of the day. His aunt saw him as part of her perfect life package. Like the big house, the fancy career, the speedy car."(Dib: And yet, she's still a better caretaker than she was in the actual books.)

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Too bad no one told her: parenting should be about the children. Not the parents. That is why it is called parenting!"(Story: I don't follow your train of logic.)

Hagrid nodded wisely.

Dumbledore turned to Harry and announced authoritatively, "Now, you can start your classes tomorrow morning. Today, you can get settled into your dormitory. But first, why don't you eat dinner with my family and me?"

"Really?" Harry gasped excitedly. "I've never had a family dinner before!"(Ben: Because we're still trying to make the Dursleys seem more evil than they actually are!)

"Why don't you come with us, then!" Dumbledore cried kindly; and then got down on his knees. Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen!"(Pinkie: And the Lord said, "I already told you that's not how it works!")

Suddenly, they all found themselves in a tasteful, decorated kitchen!

"Wow!" Harry shouted in awe. He was still getting used to the power of prayer! Sometimes, we take the wonderful things the Lord gives us for granted(Story: Like what?)(Sashi: Violence!)(Ben: Awesome space adventures!)(Dib: Conspiracy theories!); and it takes a newcomer to the fold for us to understand just how blessed we are! "That was amazing!"

Hagrid smiled knowingly. "God is an amazing guy."

"He sure is," the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes, and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies."(Pinkie: And the Lord got fed up and said, "You people are lazy butts.")

All of these things appeared on the table exactly as the reverend's wife had asked for them, masterfully prepared and delicious-smelling. Harry's mouth dropped open. Truly, this woman was a real Proverbs 31 wife!(Story: Pinkie?)(Pinkie: Details about the attributes of a perfect wife or ideal woman.)

"Hermione!" The reverend summoned loudly. "Dinnertime!"(Ben: (eyes wide) Oh boy...)

Immediately, and with cheerful obedience, an eleven-year-old girl in a pretty, pink dress with a matching bow came running down the stairs.(Sashi: (grits teeth) That's. Not. Hermione!) She ran over to her father; and gave him the winning smile that daughters have.

"Welcome home, daddy!(Everyone: ...)(Story: Okay, what the hell?! Hermione is NOT Dumbledore's daughter! She's the daughter of a pair of muggles, if I remember correctly! Did Grace Ann actually read the books?!)(Dib: Hell if I know!)" She smiled, and then turned to his wife. "Can I help at all with dinner, mommy?"

"It is all prepared, thanks be to God," her mother retorted gracefully. Hermione nodded knowingly.

"Hermione, I would like you to meet Harry Potter, our newest student at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," Dumbledore introduced magnanimously. "Harry, I would like you to meet Hermione Granger(Story: AND SHE STILL HAS HER CANON LAST NAME! WHY?!)(Pinkie: Calm down!), my beloved daughter."

"Pleased to meet you," Hermione responded sweetly, with an shy(Ben: This author can't grammar correctly!) grin.

Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City(Sashi: Are elementary school girls actually old enough to watch Sex and the City?)(Story: Given that both of its spinoff movies are rated R, probably not.). This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness.

"Now," Dumbledore pronounced genially, "let's eat!"

As the holy men, women, and little ones dug into the delicious manna(Dib: Manna?)(Pinkie: Manna manna.)(Story: Doo doo doo doo doo!) the Lord had granted them; the conversation amongst the adults turned to darker topics. Harry listened intently; and he did not understand it; but he was very interested.

"Dark days are coming(Sashi: Vague doom of vagueness!)," Hagrid pronounced gravely around a mouthful of casserole.(Ben: Hey, don't talk with your mouth full!) "Evil forces are coming into this world; and the little ones at Hogwarts may be our last resort!"

"Psalm 127:5(Story: Pinkie?)(Pinkie: "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.")(Story: Does this come after "Children are like arrows in the hands of a warrior"?)(Pinkie: That's right! How'd you know?)(Story: Read an issue of Runaways with that specific bible quote.)," Dumbledore referenced solemnly, and the others around the table nodded knowingly. Hogwarts might be the last hope for the forces of good in this world!(Sashi: We're doomed.)

Author's Note: Blessings!

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Story: And that's chapter 3! You guys ready for the next one?

Sashi: Bring it!

Ben: Eh, I'll probably survive.

Pinkie: Yep!

Dib: Oh, alright, fine.

Story: Then let's commence! (presses the button)

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Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize for being gone for so long-one of my little ones came down with pneumonia, so of course, my life has been nothing but doctor's appointments and chicken soup-and that's on top of all the other work a mommy has to do(Story: Jesus Christ. Joke intended.)! I had nearly forgotten about this little story of mine when I sat down to catch up my email and-lo and behold!-there were dozens of messages from this lovely site.

Now, of course, there were some hateful messages that made me very sad, but for every review posted by an Evolutionist with a bee in his bonnet(Ben: Read: all the reviews.)(Everyone else: OOOOOH!), there were three lovely private messages from other mommies out there, thanking me for doing the Lord's work.(Sashi: Trolls.) Wow! I know when the Lord is telling me something! So, here is another chapter for all you mommies out there, and all you non-believers spreading hatred-well-let's see if you aren't converted by the time this story's over

When the delicious, filling dinner had ended, Harry wiped some last, tasty cookie crumbs from the sides of his mouth. He was very full-and very tired. Discovering the Truth, being saved, and coming to Hogwarts-it had certainly been a long day for this little one!(Dib: Yeah, getting taken from a loving home to reconditioning camp–I'm sorry, boarding school–really tires you out.)

"You look like you could use a good night's sleep," the reverend's wife commented daintily. "How would you like to move into your dormitory?"

"I would love to!" Harry cried cheerfully. He was so excited to become a student here; and he was so grateful for the opportunities the Lord had given him. Sometimes, people who have done without are the most grateful(Pinkie: I'm pretty sure that my friends will be pretty grateful if they make it through this story without tearing out their eyeballs.)!

"Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely.

"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first?"(Story: This is definitely not Hermione.)

"I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife answered indulgently; and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes.(Ben: Oh hey, you can actually do things by yourself! Good for you!)

"Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully; and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?"

Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls(Pinkie: (singing) You're so gorgeous!~I can't say anything to your face~cause look at your face!~). She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks(Story: Stereotypes, the language of hate.); but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord(Ben: I thought pride was one of the seven deadly sins.)(Sashi: Eh, she probably didn't get that far in the Bible.); because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.

The two little ones stepped out into the brisk, chilly night; and for a few minutes, they were both silent. Harry did not think it was possible for this sweet, demure girl to be as nervous as he was; but going by the silence, perhaps she was a little nervous herself!(Dib: They're eleven! Wait a few years for any romantic drama, wouldja?)

After a few minutes, Hermione welcomed shyly, "Welcome to Hogwarts! It is a wonderful place; and we really are so glad to have you here."

Harry's face reddened as they crossed an expansive, flowery field. They were going in the direction of a cluster of imposing, stone, academic-looking buildings. "Thank you," he muttered happily. "It is beautiful; and it feels very holy."

"It is," Hermione commented enthusiastically; and her chocolate-colored, carefully curled tresses(Story: (doing a bad Hermione impersonation) This always happens to me in fanfic! Why aren't fans fine with frizzy brown hair?) were bouncing along with her steps. "My father is a very godly man; and to spread the word of the Lord is his greatest dream."

"Truly, that is a noble dream," Harry responded gravely with wisdom beyond his few years.

They walked for a few more minutes in silence. Eventually, they reached the end of the lovely, green meadow.

"The boys' dormitory is this way," Hermione exposited knowingly(Ben: How does one exposit knowingly?)(Pinkie: The same way one queries innocently!); and, with the innocent, casual affection so often found in children, she grabbed Harry's hand as she led him around the edifice of classrooms.

Harry was so nervous; he could not think of anything to say. His brain fumbled for the perfect, Christian thing to say(Sashi: So not "Can I (censored) you?", then?)(Story: SASHI!); but, before he could even manage a word, Hermione came to a stop in front of a tall, stone tower.

"This is the boys' dormitory," the devout young woman explained kindly; and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. "I would show you inside; but I would hate to cause a scandal."(Dib: Cause a scandal! That would make this story more interesting!)

"I understand," Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden. It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man's future wife.(Story: ...I actually agree with Grace Ann on this one. People shouldn't be doing that stuff to each other, and I'm not just talking about men attacking women.)(Everyone else: (nods of agreement)) And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man's wife into intimacy. Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet? Man's laws may permit it; but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time.

Hermione moved to push open the imposing, large door, but she struggled with the knob. It was quite a heavy door! But Harry was a good, devout Christian now. He would not have a young, godly girl struggling to open a door which he was perfectly capable of opening himself!

With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully(Ben: ..."prayerfully"? What?), "Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!(Pinkie: And the Lord said, "I did not start this religion to encourage laziness!")

With a loud, thunderous boom that echoed throughout the expansive, beautiful campus, the doors crashed open. Harry stood up piously as Hermione's jaw dropped. Now, she knew for certain that this was truly a man of the Lord!(Dib: Despite the fact that, y'know, he only learned about this religion a few hours ago at most.)

Harry was about to step inside when Hermione grabbed his arm. He blushed once more.

"Wait, Harry!" Hermione uttered quickly. "There's something you should know."(Sashi: (doing a bad Hermione impersonation) I want your babies, Harry!)(Story: (mock shock) Before marriage! SCANDALOUS!)

"What is it?" Harry queried questioningly.(Ben: How does one query questioningly?)(Pinkie: The same way one exposits knowingly!)

"My father says that dark times are coming(Dib: Vague threat of vagueness!)," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."

"But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!" Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!"(Sashi: Actually, they mostly built it because they were sick and tired of the tyrants in Europe.)

"Voldemort doesn't care," Hermione remarked sadly; and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome." Lovely, ladylike tears(Story: What, no single tear?) began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don't like lions!"(Ben: If I were to hypothetically set a lion on you idiots, I don't think it would be because of your religion.)

"It will be alright," Harry reassured manfully(Sashi: "Manfully"?)(Dib: I'm having groinsaw flashbacks...) "We will just need to pray really, really hard! That's why we're here, after all."

"You're so brave," Hermione pronounced admiringly; and she wiped the tears from her eyes. She flung her arms around Harry's neck. "Thank you for giving me courage!"(Pinkie: AND IIIIIIYIIIIIIIIII...WILL ALWAYS LOOOOVE YOOOOOHOOOOU!)

Harry patted her head before departing and entering his new home. It wasn't until the doors had closed behind him that he realized that he did not know where he was supposed to sleep! The tower consisted of an old, stone staircase winding up the steep, sacred walls; and there were doors leading into each bedroom off of the stairway corridor. Harry felt very lost for a moment, but a quick prayer(Story: And a map.) showed him the way!

As he collapsed into his bed, very tired from such an eventful day, he thought about the days that were coming. It was truly a good thing that the Lord had called him when He did!(Ben: I think this was written to assuage our fears that Harry wasn't going to have his Chosen One status in this story. Personally, I don't care.)

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Story: Well, we're four chapters in out of fourteen total! What do you guys think so far?

Ben: Hermione definitely got hit with the short end of the stick.

Sashi: I think this writer isn't a big fan of feminism.

Pinkie: (shrugs) I've seen better representations of my religion.

Dib: It sucks.

Story: Eh, I've read worse. I think I know how we can get our minds off of it, though!

Sashi: How?

Story: (mischievous grin) Well, I bought a karaoke machine on Amazon...

Pinkie: (bounces around excitedly) YES! Count me in!

Ben: (shrugs) Sure, why not?

Dib: I'll pass, thanks.

Sashi: Same here. Sorry.

Story: That's alright. (turns to camera, grabs screen) Next time, we continue reading about the exploits of characters we don't care about! Until then...KARAOKE! WOO! (pulls screen down)

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Somewhere in the multiverse...

???: Well, well...what do we have here? Some wayward children that need a mommy? (chuckles) I suppose I can provide for them...